Lately, there has been much speculation about the fate of Bobby Valentine in Boston. Ownership has assured the media that his job is safe for the duration of the 2012 season. Anything is possible after the end of baseball in October of this year. I have peered into my crystal ball, and now present to you, the future of Bobby Valentine and the Domino Effect.
Oct 31, 2012 The Boston Red Sox announce that they have terminated Bobby Valentine, effective immediately, and will be interviewing candidates over the next week.
Nov 5, 2012 John Farrell resigns his position as manager of the Toronto Blue Jays, announcing his intention to apply for the Red Sox Manager’s position.
Nov 16, 2012 Boston Red Sox announce that they have selected John Farrell to Manage for 2013. Toronto officially starts their search for a new manager.
Nov. 17, 2012 In an unexpected move, Tampa Bay Rays Joe Maddon quits as the Rays manager, and announces his intention to apply for the Blue Jays position, citing Toronto as being a much more ‘hipster friendly’ city.
Nov. 24, 2012, Paul Beeston officially announces Maddon’s hiring, appearing at the press conference sporting eyeglass frames in a style identical to those of his new manager.
Nov 25, 2012, Tampa Bay Rays announce they will begin looking for a manager “Outside of the baseball establishment.”, and indicate in a press release they are looking for a “Unique competitive advantage in the dugout.”
February 18, 2013 Pitchers and catchers report to Rays camp, but the new manager has not been announced. Camp proceeds in an orderly manager with the coaching staff overseeing activities.
Feb 28, 2013. Rays announce R.H. Granite as the new team manager, twenty minutes before their first exhibition game. A 43 pound rock is wheeled into the clubhouse press room, wearing a Rays cap. Team officials state that they were looking for a ‘solid performer’ on the bench who players could ‘feel would be a constant reassurance’ in a ‘chaotic business’.
Contract terms are not announced. The manager, Rough Hewn Granite, declines to comment when asked about the hiring decision, or his potential managerial style.
Mar 01, 2013. At a hastily called press conference, Bud Selig thumbs through a copy of the Basic Agreement, and is forced to admit that there are rules about players and umpires, but nothing specifically prohibiting non-humans, or even inanimate objects, serving as MLB managers.
April 2013. Tampa Bay begins the season slowly, dropping their first 3 games, but then win 10 of their next 14 to lead the division by a half game over the Yankees. The most awkward part of the transition crops up during pitching changes, when the rock is carried out to the mound by two batboys, and the pitcher places the ball in a shallow indentation in the top of the stone.
The LA Angels, meanwhile, start the year 6-20. Mike Scoscia is fired, and LA announces they will be replacing him immediately with Phoenix Dactylifera.
During the off day following the announcement, media are able to confirm that the Angels new manager is a 4 foot tall, True Date Palm tree. The Angels lose their first game with the tree in the dugout, but then win five in a row under it’s guidance.
In May, the Dodgers fire Don Mattingly, with the Dodgers reeling and in 4th place in the division. He is replaced with a deck of playing cards, who they call Edmond Hoyle. Ownership states, “We wanted someone who would fit right in in the clubhouse, someone the players were already familiar with. When we asked who do they feel they could play with? Hoyle seemed like a natural fit.”
Matt Kemp is quoted as saying “It feels like he’s been around for years, everybody’s comfortable with him after the game, on the plane, he’s real easy for everybody to handle.”
On June 3rd, confronted with the potential of a 100 loss season in the American league, Houston’s ‘stats friendly’ front office fires Brad Mills and replaces him with a set of polyhedral dice. ‘This is a game of numbers,’ says a representative at the press conference, ‘and there are lots of numbers on these dice. Look, this one has 20 sides! Sure, we interviewed an abacus, and here was some veteran know how there, but we’re comfortable these dice are going to lead our team in the right direction.”
Bud Selig assures everyone that this ‘Is a great step forward for equality in our game,’ and also says “But nobody wants to see instant replay.”
The first setback for the new look managers comes on July 12th, when Joe West ejects the Angel’s Date Palm for arguing balls and strikes. When the coaches haul the tree out to protest that it can’t argue calls because it has no voice, several fronds brush West in the face, and dates land on his foot. The tree is suspended for three games for contact with an umpire. The team appeals, saying there was a strong breeze and contact was incidental.
St. Louis struggles through July. Unable to woo Tony LaRussa out of retirement, they purchase an iPad and an app that randomly displays a picture of a different LaRussa facial expression each time it is shaken. The Cards win 11 straight with his face staring at them all the time, launching them back into contention in the NL Central.
Houston spends a week where they are unable to make pitching changes after the 6th inning, as two of the dice are lost in the pitching coach’s suitcase.
Ben Zobrist spends 6 weeks on the DL when Granite lands on his foot during a team meeting. Many of the Rays players describe the manager as ‘hard headed’ and ‘difficult to get through to’, but they still win 95 games and the AL Wild card.
The Tampa vs. St. Louis World series matchup is ultimately won by Tampa Bay, as the iPad Larussa’s request for Motte is still not understood by the bullpen coach in the 8th inning of game 6. Four Tampa player suffer injuries while passing their manager around the clubhouse during victory celebrations.
So, for those of you wishing for Bobby Valentine to be out of Boston, be careful, you never know where that could lead.
Thanks to Matt at House of the Bluebird for the tweet that inspired this ridiculous post.